A bit serious , this one

Just a few thoughts on some recent passings. I was going to let it go and not comment but I am one to put it out there and let the chips fall. So here we go.

As I look on the computer or turn on the tv this week there has been just as much coverage on DJ am as Ted Kennedy. Then Mar called me to tell me someone I went to school with died of a drug overdose. Got me to thinking...about how I don't attend funerals of people who committed suicide or overdose. Nothing pisses me off more than putting my 2 feet on the ground every morning and trying to make it through another day, while some people just...opt out. Screw them.

I have lived in constant, at times freaking unbearable pain that makes me question the universe. The thing about chronic pain is that it isn't a disease. I will never die from this, I just can NEVER get better either.

I saw the picture of DJ am's girlfriend leaving his apartment Friday night having a breakdown. That is what suicide and overdoses do to loved ones forever. It is selfish beyond measure. In the past couple of months in my town, someone I know who lost all of his money shot himself leaving a 9 year old devastated, as well as a 16 year olds step mother who walked in front of a semi because she had enough. Oh, YOU had enough? The people who have had enough should be the ones trying to get your families through this mess.

So yesterday I watched some of Kennedy's funeral, not because of political reasons but because Ted said at his brother Bobby's funeral after all that family had been through "We carry on because...we have to". Preach it Ted preach it. No one found crack beside him while he was battling brain cancer, which had to suck by the way.

Ok, I am done ranting, now go hug your kids, just take the Meds you need ( and I need plenty) find something to smile about...and carry on.

Mar is taking your flowers but you don't mind

What started out as cute is starting to worry me. My biggest fear is that she will find the White House garden becoming and start digging up shrubs planted by Jackie O.

Mar (aka mom) has this thing with thinking that all flowers in the world are free and meant to be shared. No really, I mean the ones in your front yard that you think kids are stealing. I swear to you she keeps the supplies needed in her trunk for this. She digs up flowers from restaurants, hotels, yards etc... Mar, just so you know would never steal a thing and she is also a successful business owner that can buy any flowers/shrubs that she wants. She just chooses the ones you planted that catch her eye. Like it is a compliment to you on your taste... or Melania Trumps taste.

So, last week I asked my son to clean up my front lawn, just make it look better. Adam, in all his lack of wisdom/caring gave it a military haircut, down to the dirt, everything...gone. We'll get to his downfalls soon. Anyway, so Mar comes over and I swear to God she looked at my next door neighbors gorgeous lush flowers and said "Why don't you transplant some of their flowers to your yard"!!!! She said "Their Mums are so pretty" and "Look at that Lavender bush". I had to think quick and turn her attention to the Mint bushes in my backyard she has been eyeing.

She is truly fine with this, I just am not sure if charges can ever be brought against her. It would be awkward, especially if she decides the Rose bushes outside of the courthouse would look great around her patio. I need to call a landscaper quick...and hope the snow starts falling before Mar becomes our towns Martha Stewart behind bars.

Trying to channel Paula Dean

I have come to believe that if I had Paula's cookware this whole baking thing would be easier. That somehow her magic would flow through the teflon and save my ass.Last night I tried...I mean really tried to bake a cake from scratch. I even envisioned sending the picture to Paula in hopes of being invited to her compound and ending up BFF's. Whatever.
I found a recipe on "The Pioneers woman" blog (love her to by the way) and gathered up all the high caloric sugars I could find and went to work. This is a photo of how her first layer looked as well as how my first NOT layer looked.


I did everything EXACTLY as I was ordered to. Well, I did need a few breaks in between, but then they aren't collecting SSI checks either. Anyway, after MK tried to assure me that it was delicious as well as how cute I am when I try to pretend I am related to Paula. I am now left with only another bad memory of the kitchen. The good news is I have plenty of sugar and flour...to try again.
Just as soon as I can get ahold of Paula's cookware.

Where is my Xanax

So I was really feeling upbeat that I was having a pre surgery meeting with the team that will be in the room of horrors with me next week. I expected to leave with a feeling of peace and assurance that it was all going to be under control.

Instead I am feeling a one way ticket to Mexico, wearing big sunglasses and a wig in my future.

The first nurse in the room explaining her role to me seemed completely professional until Mr. Handsome, Lifetime special looking doctor came in and then she turned into a girl in first grade holding a paper saying "Do you love me, yes, or no". I mean she literally couldn't remember her password into the computer.

Then I went to have my blood taken by Miss Britney Spears wannabe. As the fire explosion went off in my arm, she giggled and said instead of getting into my vein she...rolled it with the needle. OMG I would have had a better chance with Bert and Ernie being in charge of my body.

Finally as my stress was at maximum level, a nurse told me that if I want to take a muscle relaxer before arriving at the hospital for surgery that would be fine. No, do ya think? I am heading for the Pharmacy... or Mexico, I haven't quite decided.

Burying bodies in the backyard

At a recent family party I was looking at everyone there and how there are roles we assume in life, how we got them, and why we keep them. I watched friends and extended family that also were there, seeing the big cosmic joke that we are even on the same planet let alone one backyard.

I have two brothers and although we have decided we would bury bodies for each other if needed (no bodies yet... whew) I noticed it's the same digs at each other being thrown, the ones that are funny with those underlying...tones. We don't fight, ever. It's one of those unwritten rules out of respect for my mom. That and the fact that if we ever did, well... our roles would be shattered.

I notice that the strong ones, are not strong, the weak are...not, the ones that assume the money roles should hand those badges over asap and the bitchiest ones have the best hearts. Then I wondered if all backyard gatherings play the same game.

I have cried over my role, I have wanted to set everyone straight and call them out more than once. Then I realized the reason I don't isn't because I am afraid, or because I don't have a backbone. The biggest reason is that I have seen the aftermath when loved ones decide to stop the label they have been given and how the dynamics of the backyard changes...right then. Forever

So, Before I turn that yard into an episode of "The Real Housewives" Of Atlanta...


I will remember all the times we laughed so hard at something no one else would find funny, or when I have been at the bottom of my soul needing help and those faces were there to pick me up. I hope when all of them look back, my(cute)face is included in their mental images. I raise my glass to all of them, every face around me has impacted my life. They have made me stronger and wiser, and brought infinite amounts of joy to my life, laced with enough ammo to give a shrink a bestseller.

So as I was getting ready to leave and my brother got his final shot in to get my blood pressure up I looked around and just thought...Touche, nicely played. I left there with my role in life still intact knowing as pissed as I was thats the backyard where I belong and if that means burying a body for one of them tonight...I'm in.

I Do NOT want my Soul Rested

It's been bothering me all day, the whole "God rest your soul" thing. Since I have convinced myself that I will most likely die from my upcoming surgery, I am covering all the bases. Really...I don't want my soul rested. I want rid of this damn 24 hour pain I live with, but my soul has things to do.

Who in the hell wants their soul "resting" for eternity? I want to see everything that I haven't seen. I want to be really good at things I'm not now. I don't know, things like tennis, black flips, you get the point. I want to see my extended family. I have people I need to apologize to and certain people I need to punch in the face. I have people, lots of people, that I need to ask questions of. So you see, when I die, I'll be on a "need to know" basis.

There are certain souls that I am counting on tracking down. In very random order: Nicole Brown Simpson, WTF happened that night? Have you haunted him since? But more important, would you marry him again? Its been said that if we did things differently then we wouldn't have the children we have. Chandra Levy, I still am not convinced who the guilty party is, so I will need to know. Anna Nicole, I am not blaming anyone except for her whole upbringing but I think she had no direction to start with and if anyone needed it, she did...we'll talk. This list will be expanded in future posts, I am sure.

And since I am on a roll, for the love of God, religion. I will start with whoever the jackass was that started the Amish sect. Who made gajillions (my word) of people think that if God created this beautiful place that you aren't allowed to see it? I mean have you ever seen the Amish at the beach? Does thou think not? I happen to believe that a wonderful God did create all of this for us to enjoy freely...I know since I have almost had my life taken in the blink of an eye. I know we take ourselves, and all these man made "rules" way beyond crazy. Settle down and be nice. Have a glass of wine.

So finally, after I talk to God, Anna Nicole, ask my Grandparents questions and see people I know that passed way to soon, I still don't want to rest. I want to be Bohemian like and, okay, alittle rested... and hopefully I'll haunt a few in the afterlife. Look me up when you get there.

Think the worst...

... or be positive? I can never get that right. Always the people on one side say if you brace for the worst it's never that bad. Then you have "The Secret" followers with all their think positive thoughts and good things will come. After 43 years I can say I have tried it all and which ever I do... well, I am screwed.

I am having surgery on September 1st. A hysterectomy. I know, right? Anyway, I am mentally freaking out over it. I can't decide which frame of mind to go with. I have read about the worst case scenarios as well as the about a woman who played golf the following week. I have this feeling... I don't like her.

I also read that heating pads help. Really? Heat? I need to check this out. I also need to see if maybe someone can get ahold of Propofol-that Michael Jackson sleep thing. Although I WOULD need to be monitered a tad closer, I believe.

So you see my problem here. I am reading books on positive thinking and yet my thoughts turn to...Propofol and large quantities of feel good pills. Oh, and why haven't I done Yoga or exercised more.. It's going to be like this until September first. Plus, I live with a 16 year old, who says she may or may not make me beg for food while I lay in bed. Crap. I AM screwed.

Time to talk..Health Care

I'm sure your blood pressure is up before even reading further on, this topic seems to have that effect on people. Relax, no really, RELAX, I am not going to spew statistics at you or even call this a Democratic or Republican debate. It isn't. My political party has nothing to do with how I think about my health nor should it you. It's about getting the best care I can. Here's my take, period.

I was a productive member of society living just like you when I was in an accident two weeks after I turned 30. I continued to work once I healed enough although the pain never left me. As I turned 40, injuries from the accident got worse requiring surgery that left me unable to work. I have been on Social Security and Medicare ever since. Mk found a good managed care Medicare Supplement plan for me so I still have my family doctor and have not been denied any health care, ever. Knowing I can count on them to manage my health concerns and the medicines I need is a life saver considering the money I have lost from being unable to work.

My point is this; I keep hearing people say they will take care of paying for it themselves because they are hard working people. Well hard working people, try telling that to me when in a split second you(or your kids, your sister or brother) are unable to work for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't care who was in office at this point-knowing that if something should prevent my children from having care or buying medicine a plan would be in place for them, then I am all for it. And do I think people in power will kill me when I am old? I doubt it and if they do...well, I am hoping they will at least pay for the drugs to do it.

Sunday with Mom

My mom, from here on in referred to as "Mar", and I spent Sunday at a Mind, Body, and Spirit expo in York, Pa. Mar's friend owns a Spa and the two of them are eccentric to say the least, so this is nothing new for us. I have also inherited the eccentric gene so you can often find us driving with the top down singing and laughing, but I should return to the topic at hand.

I decided to take this day and study people to see what attracts such a large crowd. They were from all walks of life, religions,and ages, as well as plenty of men on hand. The vendors were also diverse, from Phd's and Doctors, as well as unbelievable energy that I was drawn to, but also the booths you could tell were just trying to make a buck, you know, those bad Karma people..

At the end of the day, after I had laid on an "ion" heat mat, had a mud pack, had my Taro cards read, and soaked it all up, I realized when I left that I was more un-stressed then I could I remember being, and I was smiling. I knew that no matter what people intend to get out of it, when we leave, we all feel the same. We have hope, and had fellowship, and we pray that the tea we just bought that will help us lose weight actually works since it has that good Karma and all.

Or just maybe after we left and had dinner at a superb Italian place, and then sat there talking and figuring out the universe, my day had really been to spend it with my mom. I'm sure my "guides" were as happy as I was.

What Our Daughters Become

Cait turned 16 last month, is learning to drive, and has now started her first job. As I sit reflecting on how she got here, and trying to figure out what she will be, I realize it's anyone's guess.

Her at 5, in the pouring rain, waiting for the bus, holding her unopened umbrella to her side, as she informed me...it was ugly. So your first thought is she is determined and tough. This is the same girl that Christmas eve, I found crying in her room. When I asked what could possibly be wrong, she replied " I just hope everyone has a nice Christmas." hmmmm, quite the sensitive one.

For the last year or so, she has been hell bent on how she is going to join the Peace Core. She is taking International Studies in school this year, and her favorite book is about Rowanda. Maybe I am not giving enough credit here, but I am wondering how the girl that has a fridge in her room, and sleeps holding a stuffed pig, is going to irrigate Africa.

Watching her, as I picked her up from her first day of work, when she came out she walked different. More confident, more grown up. So then I was feeling like maybe she could conquer the world and I was being to hard on my little Cait. Just when I imagined Africa was close to getting the angel that could make a huge impact, she came downstairs before bed to get ice for her wrist. Thats right, she said something terrible had happened to her arm from opening boxes (her shift at Osh Kosh was 4 hours) Oh, and then I remembered she called me on her way out of the building because the hallway she was coming down was dark, and needed my voice on the phone.

So if it's between saving the world, or spending her life ordering off of Amazon while holding her pig. I am going with 50/50. The apple doesn't fall far.

How Hard Can Cooking Be?

I know people joke about not being able to cook, but this is serious.
I have blue ribbons from when I was much younger, and made it to Nationals with some chocolate thing. It ended there. Something happened. I must have had fast food for so long, being single, that I forgot how. It's not like riding a bike and it all comes back to you.

Mk says the first time he looked in my fridge, it was a party of fast food bags, and some spoiled milk. Thank God for that winning personality of mine that won him over! So the thing is, MK cooks. He loves to cook, which is more than a plus for me, but I still try my hand sometimes, sadly enough.

I am a one pot cooker. I get very stressed when more than one burner is going. The first time I cooked for him, I put all of the meal in one skillet, and then the 50/50 factor took over. The glass lid exploded all over the kitchen. Over the years, I have had pots of oil boil over trying to deep fry. I have had the oven lock up on me, while trying to broil steaks, and not let me in for an hour. I have thrown away griddles that couldn't be cleaned after attempting bacon appetizers. I refuse to give up even after the deep fried Twinkie fiasco. I'll leave that one to your imagination.

So in my latest quest for culinary recognition, I have decided to try cakes, not just any cakes, because go big or go home right? The thing is, I joined an online group for International designer cake bakers, so I get emails from them. I feel like a winner reading their emails, but... I haven't tried it yet. I will let you know when the first one is attempted. Or you will hear about it on the news. Either way, I think I am ready for fondant, and I'm feeling the blue ribbon coming my way.
I like to think I can make the cake thing work. Infact, in my mind, it's perfect. But just incase the 50/50 factor rears it's ugly head, I am also looking into joining the International Bobsledding team group online... Just incase I need a backup. How bad could I be at Bobsledding, right?

The Nyn 50/50 Factor

Nyn came about when my brother Dean was little and couldn't say "Caryn". The Freudian part is that my dad, who I am not close with, to say the least, still calls me Nyn. So if you see him, let him know I am looking into therapy to work on this. Thanks.

The 50/50 part is what Mk has coined as my life odds. From the mundane, to the catastrophic, to the most fabulous things you can think of. Any chance, any odds to be had or bet on, if you are referring to me..Go with 50/50. I promise.

Just a few examples to start, so you understand what I am up against. I want to cook, God knows I try. But it doesn't just go somewhat bad, I swear, my oven locks up on me,with the food in it, so I can't even get in.

I didn't just get hit by a car, My 2 children and I were slammed into by a semi, carrying 100,000 lbs. of scrap steel ( I know, right?) but we lived and for that, I am forever grateful. I just now call Social Security my full time job, and believe me, you wouldn't want it.

I also had the pleasure and was lucky enough to have a private meeting with Deepak Chopra. Anyway, here's the 50/50 factor, My mom had bought the tickets for us, generous as she is, and I ended up arguing with him. I said it. I argued with Deepak, like I have any business debating anything with the man. Not to mention the fact that I adore him.

Point being, I go to bed every night beside MK, the caring, generous, oh so sexy,rock of my life, MK. Having the luck of knowing two of the greatest people, my kids. And thinking tomorrow will be better. Problem is, as the next day progresses, the 50/50 factor takes over like clockwork. I am going to bed now...up against MK as close as I can get, knowing.....tomorrow will be great.